Wed Mar 11, 2009 5:20 pm EDT
Trial of the century: Digger stands accused, and you're the jury
By Jay Busbee
A courtroom. At the defense table, a gopher wearing goggles fidgets and looks around nervously. The prosecuting attorney walks across the courtroom and stares directly into your eyes. He begins his closing argument.
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, you know this defendant, the gopher called "Digger." You've seen him popping up in the middle of NASCAR races. You've heard Darrell Waltrip giggle as if Digger was his own flesh and blood, chirping about "how cute that lil' ol' critter is."
Ladies and gentlemen, Digger's cuteness is not on trial here. Digger's friendliness is not on trial. Digger's camerawork is not on trial here. No, what is on trial here is Digger's total disregard for the intelligence and interest of its audience. (Digger is, of course, simply a fall guy for Fox Sports, but we caught him trying to sneak out of Atlanta Motor Speedway, so here he is.)
Digger has turned our beloved NASCAR into a Saturday morning cartoon, a child's television program that is rammed down our throats dozens of times an hour. So ladies and gentlemen, it is now up to you to determine Digger's fate. Go into the jury room, which looks a lot like the comments section below, discuss the defendant, and then make your call. Should you find Digger not guilty, he will continue to pop up constantly during your favorite races. But should you find him guilty, we'll package him off to inhabit old Dora the Explorer reruns, where he'll be more at home and we'll be rid of him once and for all.
The choice, members of the jury, is yours. Choose wisely.
I hope Fox is listening. If only getting rid of our politicians were this easy.