What?? No SPAM Sammich?

Our company's in-house cafeteria had a NASCAR-themed menu today. Apparently, the hackneyed-named items offered were in recognition of the NASCAR trucks and Nationwide races at Nashville Superspeedway this weekend.

Upon being made aware of the menu, some immediate FAIL items jumped off the page at me:

• PITT Stop Pasteria? I wasn't sure if they were promoting NASCAR or the second coming of Tony Dorsett.
• Time Trial Tater Salad - We have qualifying in NASCAR. Indy cars have time trials, and they dropped Nashville a couple of years ago like a bad date.
• Grilled Mahi Mahi with Mango Cashew Slaw - Seriously? If anyone catches you eating a meal such as that at the track, you're going to get hit in the mouth. Book it. We may blare Nugent's Wango Tango, but you best not be serving any Mango.

Other items that are marginal or could have been improved:

• Restrictor plate chili: First-rate chili is meant to be hot. Only canned chili is throttled. If this was legit, they should have named it Skid Mark Chili.
• Brickyard Brisket: One, the Brickyard is in Indiana. Two, brisket is in Texas. Individually, each of these are okay. But we're in Nashville by-cracky Tennessee - home of the Grand Ole Opry, the legendary Nashville fairgrounds speedway, and pulled pork barbeque.

If they would have let TMC help design the menu, I might have made the following changes:

• For the condiment counter: Elliott Miracle Whip Sadler Dressing.
• Hamlin and Swiss on Logano sliced bread
• Brad Coleslawski
• For the healthy eaters: Cale Kale
• Jimmie Johnsonville Brats
• Ernie Irvan Scrambled Eggs ... OK, so that was a cheap shot. But this is a throwaway entry. So sue me.
• Start & Park vegetable plate: boiled okra, beets, and brussels sprouts
• Tony Stewart Smoke Salmon
• Danica Dessert: a slice of cheesecake
• Dale Jr. Soufflé (starts with high expectations, gets puffed up too early, and then easily collapses)
• Ricky Bobby Roast Beef
• Blame Stremme Burned Biscuits
• Truex Chex Mix

In the end, it's probably just as well they didn't let me help. Besides, I thought all the NASCAR Cafes had closed.

TMC